“I should feel guilty”

Now I know why I used to say that, and what it hid.


April 29, 2015 at 5:16 pm Leave a comment


There is only one thing to do; keep on going.

If you are a child, teenager or young adult I am working on an exercise program that will help avoid some of the worst problems ahead.

If you are diagnosed with it wear boots or ankle supports; preferably boots.  Do some sort of exercise to strengthen your wrists which is hard enough to be painful; you’ll need to do the same thing for your ankles and major joints.  Avoid placing transverse pressures on your back or carrying overly heavy loads.  If you run you MUST RUN ON YOUR TOES not your heels or you will instantly begin heavily damaging the cartilage between the vertebrae in your back.

One other thing–no, two.  Good luck.  And guess how I feel today.

May 18, 2015 at 11:21 pm Leave a comment


Behaviorism basically states that observed species tend to learn solely with respect to their environment.

Observably social interaction modifies this behavior.

It is debatable whether any phenomena could conclusively be taken to establish anything save absolute determinism on  many levels.  Ironically, that includes beliefs.  More ironically yet that is one of the true points of both Walden II and 1984.

In many ways content is restricted by form and most especially format.  If meaning were to lie outside language it would have to lie outside a social context, for instance.  If there were no meaning outside language (outside the  communicable, outside that confining form of language) there could be no change.  That there is change and that it isn’t gracefully accepted by society makes for a constant tension.

May 11, 2015 at 1:59 am Leave a comment


I just looked at KGB in Wikipedia.  It’s better than whoever that moron is that’s saying the KGB is declaring “checmate on the U.S. [whatever]”.  That’s exactly like saying that Stalin is.  Fine.  Out of curiosity, who’s your medium and what’s your point?

There are a few points I know to be wrong and I can’t really draw the line between what’s commonly known and what isn’t–even though that article contradicts some things that were commonly known in the intelligence-related world.  Nuff said.

May 10, 2015 at 3:28 pm Leave a comment


I hit the limit and I’m doing it.  My wife hates it, now that she realizes I meant it…  It was fun buying crap for a while but I have enough.  I have a very fast car and a new Suburban.  I have a house and a lot of clothes (not new).  I have like 20 watches, almost all automatic.  I have one of the most beautiful cats I’ve ever seen, who is 14 and I’ve had her since long before I got compensation.  I have a supportive wife who can tolerate my various ailments.  She certainly loves me more than I do (which isn’t hard).

May 6, 2015 at 11:40 pm Leave a comment

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: About What it Is and Isn’t

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome definitely is in a sense one of the ‘invisible diseases’.  I mean, who hasn’t laughed at that double-jointed kid?  Who would have thought that pain might be connected with those same stunts even then?  If you’re really strange either you use it in your favor or others use it against you.  That one I had covered.

Why does it hurt?  You start out, as far as I know, either with cartilage that doesn’t do what it should or with less of it.  It really hurt to learn to walk, something that no one understood.  Everything was rubbery, and I know it was passed off exactly like this; “Oh, he’s just a baby.  All babies are like that.”  After a while it would have been transformed to “Oh, he’s just lazy.”  I found out the attitude by way of the inevitable sprained wrists and ankles and it was more and more one of blame.  I didn’t dare say anything about the pain or I was being a baby, and they told me it was normal.

During this time we lived in Japan for two years and I had a Japanese instructor.  He was a black belt in something.  He taught me extra things.  I didn’t speak Japanese, he had little time/he wasn’t supposed to teach me outside of class.  Like all teachers except one in college he thought I was exceptional, for some reason.  He taught me the rudiments of mastering my own body, and how to learn further.  I don’t think he told me–I don’t think he had to tell me–that the rest of the learning had to be between my body self and my spirit self.  I have even forgotten the Japanese names, and those English translations are terrible.  I can perform many of the ‘magical’ tricks of the wise men of the East, such as that is termed.  I have stopped seizures (of my own) more than once; I have driven a car after several (long ago).

I have Type VII, by the old nomenclature.  My eyes are sensitive to bright lights (yes, like a vampire), I bruise easily and shouldn’t heal from that well at all, I’m finally wearing braces.  I was told that I would be wearing braces all the time by the following year a few years ago.  Let’s see, that would have been 1968; I finally began wearing them this year.  I forced healing for that long, and I obviously forced some sort of maintenance.  I shouldn’t have been able to walk after 50; I’m 61.  The medical professionals I see haven’t seen anyone with a case of my severity at my age still walking.  I even exercise.  I have no cartilage in my spine, to speak of, which means that it moves around a lot.  It was calcified but a doctor bet me I couldn’t stand up straight.  I said “Wait a minute”, sighed–I’m sure I shrugged physically as well as mentally–and stood up straight (I hadn’t realized I’d grown to be a hunchback).  You could hear the crackle.  I sighed again and let my eyes blank a bit, saying “Just a second, here” as she screamed at me “Don’t you ever do that again!”  Let’s not mention the days I was walking on an unhealed compound fracture (it was in a cast) while not using crutches so some fucking VA doctor couldn’t cut my leg off.  He’d already overdosed me with Haldol and I should be permanently impaired by it.  I know I was overdosed because I read the PDR that was…at his desk.  He left the room and I looked it up.  My hips and shoulders are prone to sublocation.  There are inherent eyesight problems that have to do with the disease and the fact that it has an effect on the ability of the cell to exert certain kinds of control over the passage of fluids through membranes (getting glucose and oxygen and getting rid of waste; cell permeability).  The ability to process collagen is nearly nonexistent.  I should have rotten teeth and have no cavities.  *I can’t eat junk food, basically.  Very occasionally my body will allow it.  On the other hand, I can eat dessert.  I’m doing well to stay at more than 150 lbs.  I am according to both scale and doctors extraordinarily fit.

And I cannot imagine what it is like to not be constantly in pain.

I have ‘nerve blocks’ in place.  This means that I can’t feel pain below a certain threshold, although hopefully sensitivity isn’t reduced (in effect it is, unfortunately).  I will not feel blisters on my feet.  I need to remember to start checking them again, and then do it forever.  Don’t know about bruises or scratches.  I hit my shin getting into the car the other day, hard.  It was more of an itch than a sting.  I have a prescription, yeah, of oxycodone.  Ten milligrams, been that way for well over a year now.  I also deliberately didn’t use them for five days recently and…the overall pain was just worse.  In fact, the lack of sensitivity to ‘minor’ damage was becoming obviously pretty serious.  Then I dropped the nerve blocks.

I would not be moving if I weren’t a zen Buddhist (I do not teach and I do not generally discuss this) and had I not learned to hear my body and to speak to it.

Unless you are a doctor and have done specific research on the subject of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome I know a great deal more about it than you do, especially on the subject of mind control.  If you are a doctor and don’t know about it (the usual case) or have heard of it, or something of the sort–see above, and see that I initialized this paragraph with an AND statement; you failed the latter part.  This is experience talking.  Your generalized response with an Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome victim is going to be exactly the same as with a normal ‘healthy’ person; you will take any reference to it as internet-inspired hypochondria, and any symptoms as either the result of that or more likely some sort of drug-induced self-harming ritual.  With me, because cases like mine are so rare, my most probable cause of death will be ignorance, especially because I’m also epileptic and suffer from PTSD.

I have received a great deal of advice about EDS (much as I dislike acronyms I am known to use them) in the past few days.  None of it has been pertinent.

As far as the ‘magic’ to which I referred, it’s the common tricks I meant.  You either know what I mean or don’t.  That part of my life is not open, at all.  I don’t teach and I don’t display.  If I allow my concentration to be distorted (yes, that is what I mean to say)–just as an imperfection in a lense can greatly distort a magnification–it could kill me.

May 6, 2015 at 5:04 pm 1 comment


If you have an eidetic memory and you are in the state that follows, how do you manage to temporarily damage that memory–more accurately, the way it indexes things–to allow for what amounts to a reboot to a backup?  1.  The plan was made before computers were widely known, and the first method of indexing wasn’t available as an example per se to me.  2.  That state was that I was living in what amounted to a prison camp.  I mean this quite literally.  I was very well treated, mind; it would have been a gentlemen’s prison.  However, I remember the day after I was adopted my aunt pardon me my (new) mother saw me smiling and screamed at me “What are you smiling about?”  I stuttered a bit and said I didn’t know how to say.  “What do you mean?”  “I don’t know the words.”  “Then you’d better learn them, young man.  I’m going to know every thought you have, just like with Stan and Susan”, who were her other two admitted children; she had 4 in all, but 2 she abandoned to an orphanage*.  Very soon what I read was monitored and she openly read everything she could find that I wrote.  3.  It might not have been a prison camp except for one minor thing.  She kept me wanting me to act normal, the one thing I could never, ever do.  I am a genius.  She wanted to keep me there and…make me normal.  Rather, she wanted me to make myself normal.  That I couldn’t do so meant that I didn’t believe in God and therefore wasn’t saved–which was pretty well guaranteed anyway, since I was illegitimate.  4.  [Understand that I am merely further explaining that prison camp, privileged though it may have been; I basically didn’t lack for food, for instance.  She did withhold it from me when I was hungry because I ate too much, however.  I buried that memory because I was afraid of what I might do.]  I quickly found out that I had to bury a large part of my mind as much as I could.  In her mind it would have been totally justifiable to kill me if I had resisted her in certain ways; she might well have tried to have me exorcised.  My natural mother when I was nearly dying prayed for me not to die unsaved, not for me to live.  My wife and the landowner we rented from both told me.  5.  How can you be sure that you can divide and have it be adequate forever? you can’t.  6.  How do you trigger that reboot I mentioned? you choose two 4 digit numbers.  Yes, a PIN.  Well, I mean, you look ahead a bit more than 50 years and see a number.  You make another version of that number available as a lock; the other is a key, or unlock.

The lock was 7652 and used in 1963.  The unlock was 7625 and encountered January 3, 2015.  I obtained the number because I finally used a part of my skill in writing to produce something so savagely true that it produced immediate action, coupled with a plea to the president.  There was the prior request to McClain, mind you that had gotten me Social Security.

How does it crumble? slowly but quite surely and irresistibly.  I’ve even tried again and again to pretend it’s imaginary, and it’s not working.  I even thought I’d killed the eidetic memory quite thoroughly and only left the permanent memory of patterns.

*The lock and unlock cannot be re-used.  They hit the actual cerebral cortex join and there’s no way to go back.  Yes, I’m actually ambidextrous.  It is somewhat confusing at times.

May 5, 2015 at 11:49 pm Leave a comment

Back to Activity

I am on  Quora, incidentally; Glenn Charles.  I will be working more on this now that I see there are others interested in what I have to say, although I’ll avoid subjects that might impact going toward a Master’s in the near future.  If I were accused of plagiarizing and the author was me, I’d react violently.  People with PTSD must be very, very careful.

Thank you for the support, those on Twitter and Quora.

I’ll be presenting a new sociological theory one way or the other in the coming years, especially seeing that I can’t expect to live more than ten years, and I can only hope for that if I keep fighting pain.  I’m up to three braces; an OTC ankle brace and prescribed left knee and right ankle brace.  No cartilage in left ankle at all (the x-ray is horrifying) and very little in right knee; let’s not talk about the back.

Bad day, sry.

May 5, 2015 at 1:46 pm Leave a comment

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