“I should feel guilty”

Now I know why I used to say that, and what it hid.


April 29, 2015 at 5:16 pm Leave a comment

Another Brief Note

I’ve been in and out of the hospital since September of last years; the last two stays were via Emergency.  Behavioristic principles were used on me in order to force me to be able to tolerate high levels of pain without any pause.


So what?  I tend to minimize, and even though I know that I don’t have any idea of what the ordinary person can stand (other than things like a PCP telling me “I don’t understand how you can stand that much pain!”  I’m sorry, it’s not a measuring point, and if “10” on a 1-10 scale, 10 the most pain–generally described as ‘the one where you can’t do anything except scream and hopefully pass out’ and…I’ve never been there.  The leg  broken in two wasn’t much of a support, but it was even once the new cast was once again sodden with blood.  It’s called a compound fracture.  Of the shin.


So what=the first time at Emergency I couldn’t grade the pain as a 10–my version–so they took a look at blood counts and sent me on my way.  The second time, one week later, I stayed for most of a week (I’m back on solid foods, et cetera).


I actually have at least 10,000 words stored away for writing here and now and I just don’t have a fraction of the energy needed for transcription.  If only I thought in English! but then again, come to think of it, that’s rather a contradiction in terms.


For the time being, the opening statement is something like this (I’ll  leave quote marks to the reader rather than he who transcribes):   [sorry, bad punctuation]


A language is a very specialized representational set.  First of all, it’s a system.  This means that it has internal rules (think of grammar, spelling, punctuation, specialized and generalized usages for starts) which do not correspond exactly to qualities in that which is being represented.  If it isn’t backed up by telepathy (which doesn’t appear to be a system!) the relationship between word and ‘object’ is accomplished by ‘pointing’ and the energizing principle seems to be the one instinct that humans haves–copying those who seem similar to  themselves.  Because it is a system the represented set should also have rules which are difficult to represent while following the rules that…make the represented set.  One of the primary indications that what is  being examined is a system–or to use some different words (more accurate in this case) that what is being examined is a set of objects and/or incidents which are causally related.  The main and polarizing assumption there is of course simply that causation is a valid concept.  That, of all the things science via the empirical method has caused (I mean that is, of course, given that anything can cause something else) is the  possibility of a closer examination of things like causation and thus of free will.   One demand is the constant attempt to observe via the senses rather than the beliefs and it’s obviously the hardest.


And that is the first tiny fragment.  To examine that at all thoroughly took a bit over 20 years and I don’t think that this is a part of my thoughts that I could ever regard as finished.


This is automatically protected by Commonlaw Copyright–and the newer versions as well, of course.  I encourage usage of the concepts.  I’d just like attribution and also the ability thereby to clarify concepts I’ve employed which have no dependable relationship to the usual lingual interface.

February 12, 2018 at 3:10 pm Leave a comment



the meanings you seek
i think died long ago. silence
can bear many freights. i speak not,
expecting no listener; my words
are uttered only to the void. some understandings
are hard to bear,
can’t be forgotten.

the shape a gesture makes
remains, i think; i’m not sure.
certainly, at times, i’ve
withheld my self. to not care…

i watch you watching me,
and say nothing. what could i tell you
you don’t already know?–
you do not hear
my unspoken words. but then,
you never heard when i spoke.


Yes, this has a lot to do with my evaluation of human relationships and the ability to communicate outside of assigned roles–which have generally been presented as ‘truth’, and thus any disagreement must be lies.  The implication I just made was not at all incidental.

January 12, 2018 at 2:19 pm Leave a comment

some flights

some flights

in this silent, ending
moment, i survey
your scar-marked passage
through and past me
and wonder where
the meaning’s gone.

i’ve kissed the blade,
i’ve tasted blood, made
my last sacrifice
to the image
i made of you;
i can make no more.

you heard my song
my touch unfelt,
my name unknown…
i can make no answer
to the wind, the rain–
nor you.

i bend, pick up a stone
and throw it
i do not see
it land, nor care to:
i only wanted


Allegory or not it’s also true.  Pardon me, “true”.

January 7, 2018 at 6:34 pm Leave a comment

perception and preception


caught in a sudden moment
like some feather’s
paused flight, or an amber-
trapped fly
for one moment, passionless, you merely

perceive her and yourself. in some ways
you know the woman well: the pouting
curve of lip when she concentrates
on a book, or perhaps one of your
poems, or rambling letters: that breathy high
chuckle, which still strikes
your heart’s strings…as if she were

some sounding strum on soul’s lute,
or were desire’s summing…

have thought, i say, to know her
(and yet guessed
that lurking stranger, hidden
‘neath the skin)
and been astounded by a revelation
of the image’s illusiveness, Maya slyly for one
moment removing

the mask, the lent facade…

but then knowing your folly
you recoil from the knowledge,
and hide it away again, returning
to that dear stranger, your lover.


I haven’t modified this, although the main presumptions are both banal and egocentric.  The writer ‘perceives [his] self’, with the presumption that it’s rarely true especially but for the writer it’s simply evident that he can examine his self dispassionately while busily engaged in proving the reverse–unless the abstraction per se lends truth.

In retrospect this is written by someone totally self-absorbed, to the extent that his feelings are (literally) absolutely correct.  There’s no trace of even an attempt to understand what she feels or thinks; the thoughts and even the passion he feels is generated by her, and not his perception of her.

January 2, 2018 at 7:12 pm Leave a comment

A Short Note

During this month, my computer network was attacked once (didn’t work) and Lastpass was attacked, which lost most of my passwords that were recorded only online.  Someone was apparently in the feedback loop for resurrecting an account the password of which was lost.  [Oddly enough, new procedure.]  I could not find a way to consistently stay on and there was evidence that someone else had accessed only some of my info=wipe out ALL of it and recover later.  I’ll let you do your own research on what recently happened with Lastpass.


Anyway, I’m recovering.  I haven’t found anything as yet to replace it.  Combine this with sickness, being transport for someone for a few weeks [and having someone charge me for over $500, with “WordPress” in the heading of the entity that charged me.  I have a $99/yr contract.  I contacted WordPress and…it was an invalid charge.  The heading was ‘EIG’.  Moral of the story, make sure you check your charges.  Whoever EIG  was, I couldn’t understand their accents (I was a child and adult in the Far East, so that’s actually pretty unusual) but they paid the money back.

December 17, 2017 at 1:11 pm Leave a comment

false perspectives

false perspectives

i have known ire,
and its following rue.
i have known passion
–and its waning.

i have felt what i knew
as love, and known the bitter

known, too,
unknowledge. (at times words
can’t suffice.)

wisdom is not
necessarily joyful.

–your fleeting touch
and the fleeting yet undying

pain which followed.
(but if the antithesis
isn’t followed by
synthesis?) these patterns
form no clear mark
nor line: there is

no staying point.
(standing on a hill once
i thought to know
the world.) false perspectives


Very true and more painful than said here.


December 3, 2017 at 6:08 pm Leave a comment

A Brief Note and a Poem

Sorry, I’ve been out of touch and nearly writing nothing because I was busy with other things ranging from car breakdowns (just now recurring) to a problem with the heat, to frantically searching for various documents.  Right now I got side-tracked by yet another problem, so let me see here…





i have too often,
i must confess, been bewitched
by these shapely sways
and flowing falls
of shining hair; by

the graceful allurement
of eyes, hands, hips
and breasts: have
too often longed
to touch, unmoving…

these lines have captured
my life and meaning.
i have dreamed, to be sure,
at times, of freedom. but
it lies around

the next corner, after
the next line…knowledge
cannot free. I do not know
what can.


dedicated to John Fowles
*’freedom’ in Greek—from The Magus


This was shortly after my return from the Navy, just after the very end of the evacuation of Vietnam (the last Marines were airlifted from the embassy rooftop).  I yet reel from the things that were virtually inescapably fascinating and terrible at the same time.

December 1, 2017 at 5:52 pm Leave a comment

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