About Suicide

February 22, 2015 at 2:26 am Leave a comment

First of all, bear in mind that I’m taking massive doses of what used to be antidepressants.  They’re commonly referred to as “first generation” because it was glaringly obvious that they didn’t work.  What precisely has changed the view in someone’s mind is doubtlessly money, because the odds of them “working” is 50/50, or nothing.  They do work at prompting thoughts of suicide, however.

Secondly, I first thought about suicide I think after I became a teenager.  Before that I was just, well, very, very reckless.  Starting when I was about five.  At 6 one of my prime pleasures was climbing a 150 yard or so crumbling embankment of blasted shale, which, yes, was something that could have avalanched at any moment.  Yes, I knew it.  I was trapped on a ranch with my mother and someone who hated me and didn’t have one book to his name.  Maybe I never knew how to fear.

Well, thirdly–I did fear (somewhat) trying to commit suicide.  Especially since I’ve given it good tries more times than I care to count.  A deliberate crash at about 70 in a motorcycle; I have a bent leg as a memento.  Oh, and a scar beside my eye that evidently gives me a rakish look.  The pirate, you know.  The ‘overdose’ on PCP; as much as I could manage of a gram.  I doubt I was trying to get high.  Trips you don’t want to know about at insane speeds, perfectly sober (or not); the point being not getting there.  Here I am.  I survived a seizure while driving (and was accused of criminal mischief successfully).  However, it was hard to do anything but make me pay the fine.  I couldn’t drive, and they were oddly unwilling to make the absolutely necessary preparations for someone who was epileptic and who had to have special seating arrangements.  Yes, medically backed up, with x-rays if need be.  The overdose on seizure meds.  There were some other ones, especially since they weren’t identified I shan’t detail them further.

I fear it because it never works.  Even when it does.

No, I have no intention of trying again.  The drug-injected images do float there, though.  Knowing about them gives some power over them.  But not that fear, the only fear I know.

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