in gratitude for an absence

In gratitude for an absence
it seems
I have my words again
after a year’s near-silence;
i returned

to that land that lies
before the fences and lanes
that language builds
and it stunned me dumb.

now, I have both worlds again.
better, i no longer
hear your words.

silence, blessed silence
___________________________________________
For the first time in many years I am showing newly-written poetry publicly.

April 13, 2020 at 3:25 am Leave a comment

The Former Entry

That should be translucent; not opaque but offering little in the way of detail. Anything I might have said before regarding certain things I could talk about wasn’t covered by any possible security blanket; private imaginations–those which aren’t accompanied by ‘proof’–can’t be classified. The moment that one is officially acknowledged as an employee, past or present, things change permanently. There is a whole plethora of things I’ll never mention publicly again. If I were to write an autobiography, it wouldn’t be on the net; it would be there for posthumous publication. I am not saying that I’m in the process of doing so; I generally find myself bored by my past. PTSD moments change that, but fortunately they don’t last long. PTSD days have me caught in that same past I can no longer detail, generally only for a day (all of us had a bad month fifty years after the ending of the Vietnam war, even those never diagnosed with PTSD).

April 13, 2020 at 3:16 am Leave a comment

In Reply

To the people for whom I used to work,

Okay, I got your message. Mind you, that means you’ve gotten mine after fifty years or so.

I’ll be perfectly happy to work with you, for you, or as a consultant. I still have some things of interest to say. Your methods of hiding information don’t work for someone like me, but then there are very few of us. Well, from what was told me and why you inducted me, I may be a bit more rare, but that’s inconsequential.

I could use more data. I haven’t told anything modern to foreign nationals, and what I have told is via social networks. As long as it was never officially verified I worked for you, I could say nearly anything I wanted. There was also of course the deadman switch consideration, since I could easily have been regarded as a bit of dirt to be swept up and thrown out rather than conveniently and untidily hidden under the carpet. I no longer mention in electronic comms—accessible to view by anyone—anything to do with what might possibly be regarded as sensitive. By the way, should some of this seem ironic (“sarcastic”) don’t worry, I wouldn’t possibly wish to hurt your feelings…it is. Even though already owed, this isn’t for compensation.

My history will reveal that I can indeed understand things correctly from insufficient data. This is a one-time offer. Otherwise, read my memoirs. Or my laptop. With the office you set up here (coincidentally at the same time I moved here) you can have someone knock on my door and ask to talk to me. Imagine the opportunities!

-Especially since you’ve finally acknowledged my contributions but without any extra reward.

April 13, 2020 at 3:06 am Leave a comment

A Question

My ex-wife instituted divorce proceedings and yet today when I told her I’d see her tomorrow she burst out sobbing. Should I feel sympathy?

March 22, 2020 at 4:29 pm Leave a comment

A Long Absence

I was very sick for about a year; I used to weigh over 160 pounds and now I struggle to stay at 125; at the worst I weighed 107 pounds. A crumbling marriage took my appetite in the first place; in the second I carried around walking pneumonia for FIFTY YEARS. Yokosuka (my home port during the Vietnam war, since I was assigned to the admiral’s (ComSeventhFlt–7th Fleet is all Far East and he is in charge of all U.S. armed forces there–there was an epidemic of walking pneumonia with only antibiotic for officers. I found out to avoid the medics over this, because there was an associated mortality rate; they only gave expectorants to enlisted.

The antibiotic for that cleaned out the intestinal flora and fauna and I nearly died–at 107 I was put on a liquid diet, for 4 days. They had no choice about that.

Talking about the marriage and dissolution would be extraordinarily stupid. I am not divorced and any talk about an ongoing situation involving the law is somewhere between unwise and illegal. In many ways I don’t want to talk about it because it resurrects memories that are at best stressful and generally painful; I don’t live with her now, after 20 years.

During that year (and a few months) I wrote nearly no poetry. That’s the first time since I started writing poetry at 9. I’m writing again, even keeping a journal on a laptop meant especially for writing–and for time in hospitals. I doubt the pneumonia is cured, and I’m now terrified by hospitals. Part of the reason is what’s happened to me in hospitals, the other stems from being confined in a VA facility (American Lakes); I was overdosed and my leg was mis-set.

The usual timeline for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type VII (7), gives me less than 4 years to live. Since I feel more pain every day, I’m not frightened by the idea. I intend to write about a couple of things concerning coronavirus.

March 22, 2020 at 12:43 pm Leave a comment

“One thing all liars have in common (brace yourself)…”

They fart a lot.

 

Sorry, but I think that every time I see the ad.  To make things worse [fair warning, you might not want to read this.]

 

There’s been a lot of scientific speculation about why humans and dogs got together.  The actual explanation is quite simple.  We hadn’t invented toilet paper yet

October 3, 2019 at 3:24 pm Leave a comment

Dell Data Vault

Best practices for resolving DellDataVault issues

A clean and tidy computer is the key requirement for avoiding problems with DellDataVault. This means running a scan for malware, cleaning your hard drive using 1cleanmgr and 2sfc /scannow, 3uninstalling programs that you no longer need, checking for Autostart programs (using 4msconfig) and enabling Windows’ 5Automatic Update. Always remember to perform periodic backups, or at least to set restore points.

Should you experience an actual problem, try to recall the last thing you did, or the last thing you installed before the problem appeared for the first time. Use the 6resmon command to identify the processes that are causing your problem. Even for serious problems, rather than reinstalling Windows, you are better off repairing of your installation or, for Windows 8 and later versions, executing the 7DISM.exe /Online /Cleanup-image /Restorehealth command. This allows you to repair the operating system without losing data.

To help you analyze the DellDataVault.exe process on your computer, the following programs have proven to be helpful: ASecurity Task Manager displays all running Windows tasks, including embedded hidden processes, such as keyboard and browser monitoring or Autostart entries. A unique security risk rating indicates the likelihood of the process being potential spyware, malware or a Trojan. BMalwarebytes Anti-Malware detects and removes sleeping spyware, adware, Trojans, keyloggers, malware and trackers from your hard drive.

 

That’s an excerpt from https://www.file.net/process/delldatavault.exe.html and I have noticed on one computer a definite oddity in performance lately.  I am NOT going to uninstall it, just disable it (Avira’s System Speedup Pro is good at solving problems without creating them.  I believe I had that problem on my Windows Insider machine (not using it for production makes my learning the latest update less than timely, but I simply had to stop using my production computer–Dell XPS 2720 One AIO [I had to reload Windows; I was also using it for beta testing; BAD idea, barely better than testing the old adage of never use more than one cleanup program at once, which somehow damaged the MBR beyond repair]–and I’m now using my ancient HP laptop which is still running nicely.  I added that last because I got this computer for less than a hundred dollars because of the prior owner’s inability to keep on trying through all the error codes.  One last note; if you’re having problems installing Windows 10 (it doesn’t like hard drive replacements and you have to buy another copy if you replace the motherboard or probably the PC CPU as well; while you can can almost undoubtedly fight through them it isn’t worth it; at the very least buy one of the disks from Amazon which is made for correcting Win 10 errors or upgrading to it, and the options are vastly easier to reach) buy a copy of Windows.  I’ve done both ways, and I will never fight with Windows again if it tells me I’m attempting to reuse a serial number.  Ten dollars is what that disk cost me. Going the other route (and having to use more than one option) on other computers has generally taken at least five hours, and the commonest error on installation has to do with firewalls and AV systems.  It will most likely demand (if doing this over the internet) that you shut down both; on 1 to 10 of dangerous that’s 10; at least burn an *.iso file onto thumb drive or disk and go from there if you get one of those errors, and Google [don’t use the encrypted version of that search app, even] any and all errors; don’t automatically use Microsoft solutions and make sure to research your computer (via Google) vis-a-vis known errors and problems. Luck

January 15, 2019 at 1:23 pm Leave a comment

dawn

dawn

having woken from some dream
of holding you, still
tasting your mouth’s imprint, clasp
recorded by warmed skin’s cooling, i
sit and shiver, waiting for dawn.

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Yes, actually, that’s real.  Some partings are occasioned by necessity, and any bitterness (apart from deities and the like) directed not at self, not at her–not at life–no, the bitterness was the experience itself.  “No blame.”

January 1, 2019 at 2:03 pm Leave a comment

courses and their anagrams

courses and their anagrams

voices (and ears)

know naught of meanings

touch cannot know sight

there are no meetings

…odd, then, that i wish

so much, sometimes

to merely touch you

 

______________________________________________________________________

Resurrected sometime in the mid-80’s. I’m pretty sure that’s Carolyn Yeaw’s shadow, yes.

December 30, 2018 at 10:03 pm Leave a comment

of sundry avoidances

of sundry avoidances

yes, those crosses stand askew
upon their hill; it’s
been so for years, since before
i was a boy. you

can hardly see the stains
now, though, time’s
many hands having cleansed
wood though not memory

i think sometimes
those nails pierced more than
palms and legs, as if
we’d been forever soulcaught

in that act, all executioners
all torturers
quite unable to preserve
even that we think to love

–but that’s merely idle fancy
and beer will fill this emptiness
quite nicely and we can
at least pretend to forget

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Previously published elsewhere on the web.  I still find it flawed.

 

 

 

December 30, 2018 at 9:40 pm Leave a comment

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