Posts tagged ‘belief’

The Classical Blog, Starting With Meta

I find myself changing to just that; a diary rather than anything centered around a GRAND PURPOSE of (one presumes) imparting knowledge.  In fact, for one thing, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m if anything an idiot; born and years of practice and all that, you know.  This is variously inspired.  My wife engineered my meeting my erstwhile and presumable family, by which I mean the bastard–me–‘met’ [in Internet terms, no quotidian clasping of sweaty palms but rather the notional replacements for ‘RL’] was able to “meet” one, actually of my (presumable) half-siblings.  Whom I would guess I immediately and then variously disgusted.  I was a sailor and did what sailors did, yes; I was half or more than a spy and…yes, part of my life sounds like a rather bad novel.  When I said diary I didn’t mean easily penetrable by all, at least from what I’ve been repetitively told.

The meeting lasted a few days and then dwindled to silence, at first unendurable and then quite comfortable.  The parents I knew ensured variously that I couldn’t know or trust them, and when they professed love were about to perform cruelty.  My true mother’s last words to me were “Oh, Glenn, I’m so glad I couldn’t have you aborted,” repeating what she’d said just before being carted off to Montana.  My actual reactions were somewhere between “Oh, Mom, too bad you couldn’t have” and “Oh, Mom, how nice and how lovely that you’re leaving!”  Then about 4 years later the military decided I really did have the job I’d claimed, was a Vietnam (war, not era–it mattered very much to them, you see) veteran, really did see the sorts of [censored, so that I don’t pay for this later] I claimed because of the security clearance I so boringly babbled about–I was obviously narcissistic–but then again they weren’t quite sure about what I knew, they had to admit.  Which was sort of a hint to not babble too much more; in light of just that I won’t detail why.  Ask Snowden or someone knowledgeable.

I don’t know what the point of her–my notional half-sister–meeting me was.  I’m going to give an approximation of what we have in common besides some genes.  Nothing.  I’ve spent my entire life thinking about something relatively complicated which would be utterly meaningless to her.  That’s all.

Meta is or was my sister’s name.  For some reason I feel utterly sure I’ll never communicate with her again.  Oddly enough I regret having even wasted the time trying to communicate with her.  But then it was at my wife’s behest.  I’m not angry with her.  I have achieved forming a sort of necessary pattern.  That pattern is, by the way, absolutely not closure, whatever that is.  Whatever ‘it’ is, is open.  I have never made a pattern of this sort and had anyone else even give me the impression that they perceived it.

I got my precious damned Suburban back (the one that saved my life by being what I drove) and part of the body is loose.  I’m less than happy.  I am positive I have to take it back and let them fix it and that it will take a while to fix.

I am receiving steadily more braces which are steadily more constricting and also affect my balance (not my sense of balance) more and more, because managing one’s balance naturally involves the ankle muscles[/tendons] and the braces will obviate being able to use those muscles.  I am losing the struggle and it’s affecting me badly.  There is no escape from this.  That I can’t manage to stop fighting is either very good or ridiculous.  Go ahead and judge, for I cannot.

June 28, 2016 at 10:48 pm Leave a comment

Writing (The Agenbite of Inwit, perhaps?) Frenetically

That–the writing part, that is–is what I’ve been doing.  Not e-mail, which I increasingly regard with dubiety (since it’s impersonal almost without exception) nor cruising the net.  My cat is even feeling neglected.

One part of writing is that soldier (or whatever participant and in whatever War) who is lost within it–confused within that very common problem we orphans have of finding any sort of identity.  Note I didn’t say “combined” nor did I mean to do so.

I’m also working toward publishing poetry for the first time in forty years.  It’s daunting to start.

I’m also considering if I should try for college especially since given the statistics I shouldn’t hope for a whole lot longer.  However, the company would be nice and would distract me nicely me from the constant pain.

The painkillers will never increase in this country.  I bet I can’t leave this country unless I divorce my wife or she’s dead.  She has finally said differently, but it would be very hard for her.  Going to Canada would also mean leaving my cat in one way or another I’m rather sure.  Since she’s crushed if I go for too long a drive, it would mean putting her to sleep.  14 years is a long time for a pet, and I think she’s earned her place.

As far as the pain goes, well, it’s more than I can stand.  Now think about that, and my alternatives.

Wish me luck.

October 8, 2015 at 2:06 am Leave a comment


Right now I am finally following back the river of time where I was progressively bound, evidently with my eager submission or else deluded fantasies of being powerless.  Part of it I was.  Part of it was quite assuredly was that submission, although with illusions of coming freedom.  Surely my mother’s marriage…living with her sister…believing whole-heartedly in a cruel God…  But then if I had resisted, how much good would it have done?  Whenever I did, I was punished.  I was punished for doing too well.

I walk, I say, the rivers of time, and backwards, for a while.  I was never going to be a good man.  I was always going to hide.  It seems my thought of both was in error.

August 23, 2015 at 5:44 pm Leave a comment

Windows 10 and…Other Gripes 8]-

July 30, 2015

I find I have to comment that here I am using Corel WP flaws and all due to familiarity.  However that actually does have relevance.  Windows 8.1 was fine for me.  Then again I fairly quickly wrestled Vista into submission.  It was a matter of stubbornness and doing things (through experience) the [correct] wrong way.

That has nothing to do with the operating system.  I have had 2 encounters with Apple’s, outside of choice.  I disliked Apple because of their first commercials.  I might note too that anything that “everyone has to have” is probably something I’ll decide is definitely something I can do without.  Forever.  For that matter, that’s basically what commercials have done for me.  I hope a lot of companies are pleased to hear that.  Coke.  Red Bull. [Various styles and kinds of clothing, and some kind of…something called “Axe”.] Rich people trying to sell me something so that I can be as classy as they are while not having enough to, well, be what they are (worth precisely all their money, nothing more, nothing less).  Car commercials–all utterly ridiculous.  I like a nice-looking car, sure.  The main concern is how it goes.

Which brings us to Windows 10.  I didn’t like the hoopla.  That’s generally someone spraying deodorant around to cover up someone else’s mistake.  Generally that doesn’t seem to be the case.  The Control Panel is easily available through Settings and anything complicated.  “Computer” has met its final end and you just CLICK ON THE FILES ON THE TASKBAR which does take some getting used to.  You were prepared for this by Windows 8, right?

It looks like Microsoft Edge is pretty much necessary at this point.  It works…OKAY with Firefox, and apparently much more gracefully with Chrome.  However, that makes sense since there are all sorts of Google type things around.  Not Gmail, naturally.

There are tools still to query the Gmail inbox from inside Windows.  That has always struck me as fundamentally insecure.  Then again, I was upset when we went to an always-on Internet connection. [Yes, there are definite exceptions to this rule, and I may well go ahead and implement a schedule.  I have a very advanced router so that I can do things just like that.  It’s also somewhat unlikely that it has a handy backdoor for certain U.S. folks, since it wasn’t built in the U.S.  Or by a U.S. company.

I’m bringing that up because Windows 10 is a partially cloud-based OS by intent.

This means that if you are using more than one computer at home…you’d better keep up on your passwords.  If it’s at a business, you should think carefully about stopping Internet access to your office network outside of hours.

As much as possible use a password manager and use cut-and-paste because…key presses can be detected.  It will be more difficult with the clipboard in most cases.  There are other considerations, of course.

I do not think you can avoid the update!! unless you simply right click the update (by bypassing the offer), going to the update screen itself, and managing to hide that update.  There is supposedly a route back, which I would imagine is actually fairly obvious.

July 30, 2015 at 10:05 pm Leave a comment

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Searched for a cure yet again; yet again there’s none.  The pain increases daily, though each night I go to bed somehow thinking it couldn’t get worse.  Pray for me, to an unknown God?

June 8, 2015 at 3:03 pm Leave a comment


I just looked at KGB in Wikipedia.  It’s better than whoever that moron is that’s saying the KGB is declaring “checmate on the U.S. [whatever]”.  That’s exactly like saying that Stalin is.  Fine.  Out of curiosity, who’s your medium and what’s your point?

There are a few points I know to be wrong and I can’t really draw the line between what’s commonly known and what isn’t–even though that article contradicts some things that were commonly known in the intelligence-related world.  Nuff said.

May 10, 2015 at 3:28 pm Leave a comment

We Need To Start A Campaign Against ISIS

Every day they need to be sent messages saying simply this:

#Remember Tours #WeAreComing

Also, there need to be epics about Tours and the course of the wars against the would-be conquerors of the Middle East who so miserably failed.  Those who worship Mohammed (pardon me, Allah) are hardly the first.  I’m sure these users of donkeys won’t be the last, and I’m even more sure that their would-be patron Mohammed would curse them and that Allah would give them their just rewards as lovers and followers of Shaitan.

April 29, 2015 at 5:21 pm Leave a comment

The Mantra for Continuation

I will conquer, not you.  You cannot stop me.  When I can move no further, I will–always–take the first step.  When others tell me I can’t I will show I can.  There is no pain and there is no weariness.  You cannot bind me; I will conquer you.

The short form: “There is NO PAIN.” 


*To Be Continued, a very old notation

April 29, 2015 at 3:37 pm Leave a comment

About Suicide

First of all, bear in mind that I’m taking massive doses of what used to be antidepressants.  They’re commonly referred to as “first generation” because it was glaringly obvious that they didn’t work.  What precisely has changed the view in someone’s mind is doubtlessly money, because the odds of them “working” is 50/50, or nothing.  They do work at prompting thoughts of suicide, however.

Secondly, I first thought about suicide I think after I became a teenager.  Before that I was just, well, very, very reckless.  Starting when I was about five.  At 6 one of my prime pleasures was climbing a 150 yard or so crumbling embankment of blasted shale, which, yes, was something that could have avalanched at any moment.  Yes, I knew it.  I was trapped on a ranch with my mother and someone who hated me and didn’t have one book to his name.  Maybe I never knew how to fear.

Well, thirdly–I did fear (somewhat) trying to commit suicide.  Especially since I’ve given it good tries more times than I care to count.  A deliberate crash at about 70 in a motorcycle; I have a bent leg as a memento.  Oh, and a scar beside my eye that evidently gives me a rakish look.  The pirate, you know.  The ‘overdose’ on PCP; as much as I could manage of a gram.  I doubt I was trying to get high.  Trips you don’t want to know about at insane speeds, perfectly sober (or not); the point being not getting there.  Here I am.  I survived a seizure while driving (and was accused of criminal mischief successfully).  However, it was hard to do anything but make me pay the fine.  I couldn’t drive, and they were oddly unwilling to make the absolutely necessary preparations for someone who was epileptic and who had to have special seating arrangements.  Yes, medically backed up, with x-rays if need be.  The overdose on seizure meds.  There were some other ones, especially since they weren’t identified I shan’t detail them further.

I fear it because it never works.  Even when it does.

No, I have no intention of trying again.  The drug-injected images do float there, though.  Knowing about them gives some power over them.  But not that fear, the only fear I know.

February 22, 2015 at 2:26 am Leave a comment

Trapped In 40 Years Ago

I’m way far from being the only Nam vet who’s having trouble with these days.  I remember precisely 40 years ago, actually longing for the ship to pull out to sea, so that I could find solitude and silence.  The sound of the wind, both the “real” (what I would have felt had the ship laid at rest) or that generated by our passage, the sound of the water against the hull or of the occasional tramp hitchhiker (those who live at sea know far more than their illusions of beauty lent by flight–and, many of us,  just how precious such illusions are) the seagull–didn’t count.  The other sailors passing by and politely ignoring me could hardly count for company.  There were more of us by far than the Navy would have been comfortable with.  But we did our jobs and fled in silence.  Puncturing that silence would have been deadly, not dangerous; they even had the statistics to show it.  You can’t run from memories.  I couldn’t run from them at the time they were being formed, I couldn’t stop researching and I couldn’t help being mortally sickened by each word I read and especially the patterns they formed.

The most excruciating thing was something they could never notice.  They had no sense of pride or honor.  They would lie for convenience.  And either they were in charge of me or I joined them, which they wanted.

January 3, 2015 at 10:59 pm Leave a comment

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