Posts tagged ‘for sue gillespie’

To Sue (Gillespie)

To Sue (nee) Gillespie

I never guessed, and I’m sure you don’t know that. When you came angrily chasing me long after (it was long after for me, because for years each day without you dessicated my soul a little more, and I was freshly home from the war where veterans were mainly scorned, and because you were so perfect, starting with your intelligence and wit) you’d told me to leave, I couldn’t imagine what you could want. You’d said you hated me at the point of our last words, as I recall it.

I’d buried away the memory of that one afternoon where I made love to you (yes, it was that) and almost instantly your parents drove home, as the others alerted us. I’d convinced myself I was sterile.

Is it surprising that it took me forty five years to suddenly realize what your anger was about? I had no idea you were pregnant. I’d have married you in an instant, not that I was much of a prize. I suspect I would have been, because I would have been able to escape the nightmare circlings of the past and things I’d done.

And the absolute worst part of all of this? you never guessed I didn’t realize and I’m sure you’ll never know. That was Whidbey Island, when I wore my adopted last name of Smith and I was freshly out of the Vietnam war; our first meeting was at the community college where you volunteered to work on the paper with me and…you were so perfect and young that I could only flee. Well, no, that’s not the worst, come to think of it. You could never accept that I actually did love you. Not your face that launched a thousand ships, or any of your other countless beautiful aspects; I loved you.

And because I didn’t realize, you had the child aborted. But then you never knew this, either; my mother tried frantically to have me aborted. And each fetus thereafter was caught in a timely fashion, so that there was no problem. Somewhere between six and twelve from what I could figure. “You remember all those trips to Las Vegas I told you about, so Jay could gamble? Actually, I was just getting another abortion.”

Yes, I’d have married you.

August 14, 2020 at 12:40 am Leave a comment