Posts tagged ‘irony’

An Entry

I realized I really should make an entry today, so here it is;


“Remember, Death is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.”

March 12, 2017 at 6:12 pm Leave a comment


The impetus here is fairly simple.  I have an EEG coming up next week.  An electroencephalogram is just a measurement of the brain waves, right?  A strobe goes with it.  I’m epileptic.  I’ll get to why in a minute.  The thing here is that if I have a grand mal, I’m going to have a heart attack.  So they’ll anesthetize me.  And every time until I manage to find the way back, every time they bring me out of anesthesia I’ll seize and have a heart attack.  I have deliberately exposed myself to strobes, and accidentally.  Multiple cop cars at night can’t do it.  I can turn away.  When I was driving by the cops, I retained everything.


I was behaviorally programmed to be a multiple personality in my childhood.  That’s where the epilepsy came in.  I had a neat plan to come out of it all when I could get out of the household where my adopted mother had PTSD–her father was a pedophile–my adopted father had PTSD–Korean war veteran–my adopted sister/first cousin was the one fondled by him and nearly certainly …[she had children, one a boy]…my adopted brother was a pedophile with his children and showed many of the traits when I was child.  Fortunately he was gone soon.  I was intelligent enough to frighten them.  I was also illegitimate, and my adopted mother was trying to assuage her guilt at having given her two illegitimate children to an orphanage as well as trying to “save” me.  Which had to be impossible according to her religion.  I was intelligent enough to frighten every teacher I had from thirteen on at least (I got into school at 5; my adopted parents wouldn’t allow me to go to college because I wasn’t sufficiently socialized–no one including teachers knew WTF I was talking about).


I had one seizure in childhood.  Then I figured out how to do something.  Can’t explain that one.


I take deadly poison every day.

Carbamazepine (Tegretol-XR [extended relief] tablet) 400 mg twice daily.  This is the one that’s finally starting to kill me because of what it does to the (whole) digestive tract. Causes balding, deafness, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), leaches calcium from the bones, causes vitamin deficits.

Divalproex/Depakote/valproic acid 500 mg 4 tablets twice daily.


Levetiracetam/Keppra 750 mg twice daily.


My liver is fine.  Still (it can’t be but whatever).  Bleeding internally.  Oh, I forgot the anorexia.  Oh, and the fact that Carbamazepine is directly a narcotic antagonist!! I have a medical marijuana card. It helps amplify the painkillers and actually doesn’t do a damned thing for my appetite, usually.


It should have killed me about five years ago.  Liver damage most of all, because almost everything has acetaminophen in it.  You can’t get high on this stuff, incidentally.


Bone density is fine.  I just took the Carbamazepine and it’s exiting my stomach and going into the colon, which is nearly unbearable.  If I take food with it I tend to associate the taste of those terrible medicines with food.


–I always had problems with sprained ankles and wrists.  Right now I’m wearing 4 braces to walk, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.  The VA wants to say it’s III, which means hyperextension only.  Look up the symptoms of VII if you’re into horror stories.  I can see b better in the dark than practically anything except a cat, though.  It’s a double recessive.  A mild case (Type III) is–double-jointed!  That’s what Trump has, by the way, if you look at his thumbs.  From what I can tell everyone in his cabinet has hyperextension as well (they can bend fingers in odd ways and tends to be true of at least some joints) as if he placed some dorky value on it.

That’s why the Percocet/oxycodone.  They tried me on Ibuprofen, which is actually poisonous with the combination above (the VA) and I went for it.  Started puking up the anti-seizure pills.  I don’t want to wake up with half a mind in a bed, with holes in it to be slowly recovered.   I quit.  I’ve been in constant  pain since I was 30, I’m 63.  I remember clearly because when I was 32 I finally asked my mother if everyone was always in pain all the time.


I believe I’ve more or less synthesized the personalities. Sort of.  Different writing styles.  Different handwriting.  Different accents.  Dress the same.  I even  had the differing names, forced on  me.


Ever heard the Chinese curse “May you live in interesting times”?


I do know I was about to figure out a way out, and I was forced into a job with a Top Secret crypto clearance that meant I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I knew.  For eight years.  It became a habit not to talk.


I tried to commit suicide in order to prevent this stage.  I say ‘more or less synthesized’  but from everything I know it won’t  be complete.  I even have one episode from my childhood that I deliberately hid from myself.


Less than  a year after I entered the Navy at 17 I was proofreading the message that told C0mmander Pacific Fleet the current info on the Vietnam war, that went to JCS, that went directly to the president (Nixon’s could possibly have been edited a bit, and that might have been when someone thought of how to implement complete deniability).


–The rest I still can’t tell about that.  I’m positive that was what set the lock.  If I can pass the EEG I can control the  process.  I don’t know.


The worst part, you see, is that a seizure is a psychedelic trip, for me at least, and my brain likes…   I must move motionlessly, and speak without words.  At the moment of the test I must be able to confine my consciousness to itself.  Sound like nonsense?  For many years I could only work at a call center because of epilepsy.  So I’d have a seizure–a bad petit mal–I WOULD FINISH A PHONE CALL, generally holding off a seizure, sometimes working through it–and I would drive home, mercifully less than three miles.  It’s been ten years.  I have fought off even the vestiges of beginning a seizure.



If I don’t do that, the Carbamazepine looks likely to kill me shortly.  I have to get the meds from the VA, check the price on them without insurance and remember who’s president.


Hard one to write, actually.

I forgot to add that: when I went aboard ComSeventhFlt’s ship (Oklahoma City CLG-5 [specify that to look at her; she’s full fathom five now, having been a US gunnery target] I was immediately offered a scholarship to Annapolis, which would have obligated me for 11 years; for a 18 year old hard to swallow.  They pressured me while I was on to transfer to the United Kingdom Navy for some reason. Getting out they offered me a passage on the Navy oceanographic vessel for two years, civvies and $50 a day per diem.  When I got out I immediately had a job, went back the next day to start and the NSA had scared them out of it.  Shortly thereafter I got my job offer from the CIA.


Got more current information last century from someone, who was NSA but got brain cancer.  Pretty sure he’s dead.  Odd thing, though.  He’s still following me, and he had already blocked me by the time I found out he’d become my Twitter follower–blocked me, that is, from communicating with him directly, and didn’t answer the one generalized tweet.  He has five followers.  We verified each other by–common knowledge that was actually above Top Secret.


I’m hoping they follow me now.  I now try to disseminate information, and I simply don’t know if I can organize and type that fast.


The solution used to solve Vietnam AND Mao ran out in 2012.  Brunner forecast 2000, Kissinger approximately 2035, the US government said 2050+.  I was the one who said 2012.  China got the Gulf of Tonkin oil and Mao got the chief spy, his best friend.  They had currency and energy, although Mao couldn’t be seen advocating trade with the free world.  Did I mention I was reading The Writings of Chairman Mao in Radioman “A” school, and that it required a Secret clearance?  Oddly enough, there was someone there the very day I was done with the book (I’d been seen making notes in it, and had been questioned about it) who wanted it.  I’d been  openly investigated by the Secret Service.


Finally, I got angry, the beginning of this century.  I wasn’t supposed to be given that job at my age and rank.  It was in fact illegal.  When I got out I knew what to verify and I did.  The people I told you about, my grandfather and adopted father?…and therefore the family members?…why, they (we) were all vetted for security clearances.  That was what truly tied that Gordian knot that I am trying to untie or better follow Damocles with a sword of sorts.  If I succeed I shan’t be precisely the same; however, I am managing to remember things between…what ever you call personalities aware of each other.


But we can’t directly relate. The least is muscle spasms.  I can’t allow the insane anger that my biological father and brother shared and share to take control again–I attempt balance.


At least I’m recovering more of my (current) memory than I thought I could.

February 3, 2017 at 4:31 am Leave a comment

A Minor Look Backward–How Many Geeks no Longer IM

One of the major attractions of the internet used to be things like IMs. Of course, they were for geeks like me, ICQ or something like that. Then that in particular began becoming steadily less safe, basically the more so the more people started using it. Somwhere of course in there came AIM and MS with whatever it originally was. Now, guess what? The geeks like me don’t use it, because it’s (the medium of Instant Messaging, I mean) taken up by neophytes and crooks. Certainly I wouldn’t want to use IM to meet anyone, and the very idea of something like a dating service based on information that would allow the construction of an accurate behavioral profile makes my paranoia feel paranoid.



August 26, 2008 at 2:23 am Leave a comment


Actually I’m doing this entry in my sleep.  Kind of like the linked article…


July 30, 2008 at 8:43 am Leave a comment

footnotes (3)

Have you ever noticed that when someone goes on television to tell us to tighten their belts you know for sure they don’t have to do it?

If the Brits are so great how come they have to have directions for dressing?

Before you make absolutely sure you have the most beautiful teapot in the world, it might be wise to ensure it doesn’t leak.  However, I doubt Microsoft or Apple can ever learn that.

I’m just as disturbed as John Brunner was by the constant misuse of the name Art.  Personally, I’ve just gone back to calling him Arthur.

Nothing can prove causation, either in a single instance or as an operative concept.  It looks fairly likely.  Levels of causation cube the uncertainty factor.  Predictivity based on the model is poor except in mechanical applications.

There is a necessary factor of uncertainty, or error, in any representation of anything.  This is due to the fact that the one doing the representing has to decide what’s important.  Generally she doesn’t bother to take notes on the unimportant stuff.  The one who (poorly) explained what’s important, having had that explained to him by the boss, who nearly listened while the boss of the guy who had the person decide to have someone else do the actual study to determine what’s important…having had the assignment of definition handed to him by someone who had the need explained by a server-side-oriented-consultant…will be the one who’s expected to handle the data for a project which probably never is explained until it’s already underway.  I don’t understand why most people say I have a dour outlook on life.  Maybe it’s because I use Outlook.

It’s been proven as far as it can be that being constipated gives you a shitty outlook on life.  So using Microsoft Office…?

Offhand=someone who’s right-handed trying to masturbate with his left.  Then again, I had someone trying to convince me it stood for military intelligence.

If there was a society that had an observable tendency to increase in population and the society generally tried to defend the tendency in a variety of forms of languages, that could be taken as an indication that there was a disaster a long time ago.  The disaster would probably have come fairly close to wiping out the society, and there would probably be a fairly high childhood mortality rate as it began recovering from it.  Among other things, that society (as it survived) would probably be fairly aggressive.  [In all gamed situations, the first to adopt aggressive tactics AND the best at their tactics wins.  I would assume there are other possible situations.]  Both the aggression and the need to increase population would be at a level where it would be difficult for the individual to manipulate their own feelings.  Basic feelings which form the underpinnings of a society are not easily manipulable by experiential language, and language which sacrifices accuracy for the sake of consistency becomes a statement of religious belief and practice.*

Language first of all presents a set of protocols for described situations.  Secondly, it presents a set of valorizational statements which defend the protocols.  Thirdly, it attempts to thus present a framework of positive and negative motivation, as well as statements as to the “good” of the ruling structure.  There is no possible statement of value which is not relativistically based.

*Restated, that’s something like this.  We’re horny little bastards, but it looks like it’s not instinct.  It’s memories in the forms of values we hardly know how to say.  Most likely, the human race just about got wiped out by a glacial age that came on suddenly, and then there was global warming that occurred suddenly and drastically (it looks right now) about 50,000 years ago.  There was a lot of disease and there was a lot of incest.  More than that, population expanded faster than arable land or easy prey did.  The catastrophe had wiped out the knowledge the human race had except for language and especially chants.

I have never attempted to make any statements about Cro-Magnon humans and their appearance, other than that all transitional skeletal elements thus far are either fakes or vast stretches.



July 22, 2008 at 9:10 pm Leave a comment

footnotes 2: dry humor or at least not totally wet behind…never mind

The only thing ever bought or sold isn’t real; it’s only its representation.

In order to decide what’s true you have to know what’s real.

Have you ever thought about the phrase “Never mind?”  Have you ever wondered if our government people take it too literally?

Have you ever really thought about the meaning of the word “footnote”?  Leaving the need to be double-jointed aside (I did bite my toenails as a teenager), what did they use to write on the bottom of someone’s foot in the fifteenth century?

We just intuitively want the universe to mean something.  That’s the first card in every con man’s pocket.  “If it’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.”

Causation is an unprovable hypothesis.

Money is a matter of faith.

If we know anything certainly, it’s that life is change.  That means the minute we start attempting not to change, we’re attempting to die.

It’s because identity has so little to do with names that we have problems identifying it.  Of course, in the process we’re trying to use words, which are names.

If you can’t make the connections you don’t really have the knowledge.

Knowledge is priceless–once it’s organized.  Disorganized knowledge is worthless.

Really, if we know anything certainly, it’s that we don’t know a damned thing certainly.



July 19, 2008 at 12:59 pm Leave a comment

Wuala: more information

On a dual-core 64 bit 3 gig AMD processor (A8V-E deluxe motherboard) while running it uses about 3-4% CPU time.  No significant RAM footprint.  I have ‘lost’ internet connection during startup because it wants to connect.  What does? the virtual drive and the virtual microsoft board, of course.  I’ve taken it off startup (I’m on 7/1 DSL, so it’s fast) and since the Wuala program isn’t hogging everything trying to connect to the internet and Windows at the same time…the boot time has merely been reduced by about 90 seconds.  The response practically reminds me of dialup.  I’m getting close to the end of my testing on it. 


I would use it to connect to others like me… [oregonnerd–gmail]  I do have invitations.



(it’s just I wouldn’t wish this on anyone)

July 18, 2008 at 10:52 pm Leave a comment

Okay, Enough With the Acronyms!

Look, I’m not the sharpest or savviest user there is.  But when it’s a good thing that the author of an (old) Firefox review includes a definition for every other acronym (I feel I should be calling them acry’s or something), there’s something wrong.  There are several dictionaries for these random [expletive deleted] collections of letters that increasingly defining our lives.  Wi-fi.  DSL.  (Do you really know what it means?  Digital Subscriber Line, and I had to look it up again at even though I watched it come and read all the articles.)  Increasingly we’re defined by these little collections of letters. 


…And one day, we’ll just forget how to talk to each other, trapped in all the acronyms and algorythms.


July 14, 2008 at 3:00 pm Leave a comment